May 24, 2020
Updated: Jun 2, 2020
lately, i haven't been myself
the whole world screams of pain,
sorrow, lost hope and death–
a new type of ghost haunts me.
the first thing i do in the morning
is check the number of deaths
caused by the virus.
my heart sinks a little
for all those who couldn't
say their goodbyes
to their families and friends.
in the beginning,
death was an acquaintance
the first time we met, i was 18,
looking at a 90 year old man
i called nanaji, my dadi's father
everyone said death is inevitable
that it was his time, so i accepted it
and said my goodbye.
the same year,
one of my favourite singers
chester bennington committed suicide
it was 2am when i received the news
I cried the whole night, it felt wrong,
i was angry and in so much pain.
i still find myself crying when
someone plays one more light.
that was his last song,
a goodbye that saved so many lives
but couldn't save him.
the next year, 2018,
death was called a disease.
liver cancer, stage four.
i watched life being
slowly sucked out of my aunt–
she was always a fighter,
but this time, her body gave up.
she said her goodbyes,
hooked up to machines,
struggling to breathe.
the same year, two months later,
death was the loss of a loved one.
dadi and i were on the same bed
when it happened, the loss of her child
marked the end of her life, her hope.
i remember my last words to her were
“ay heroine, dekho kaun aaya.”
that was the last time she responded,
it was her goodbye to me
and she was gone, lying on the bed.
Photo: Aryan Nair
since that day,
death and i sleep in the same bed.
i cried when i read about the trains
carrying dead bodies in 1947,
i cried when i saw videos from italy,
i cried when nairobi was shot.
right now, i can't stop crying–
even though death isn't personal,
pain is real, even if it's not yours.
and today, the sound of goodbyes
has reached its crescendo.